Thursday, January 26, 2006

The Lament of the Cancelled Cartoon
Current mood: awkward

Nick 13, don't read this.

We started off the evening with dinner. I and a large number of my friends are of the belief that a birthday isn't simply a day. It's an excuse to hit it, and hit it hard for up to a week. Key players and scene changes can stretch a party on for days as Precious will attest, so starting with a dinner on Nils' bday-eve was far from inappropriate, especially considering that his was that all american favorite - the 21st bday.

The dinner was fairly uneventful. My pink suitcase sat next to us at the table and me gave me the appearance of some crazy person trying to check into the restaurant. Whatever. I'll chalk any criticisms up to jealousy of my Samsonite.

Some ladies were unfortunately smoking at the table to our left and I was served some non vegan dip by mistake (I don't know how you people eat blue cheese. It tastes like dirty socks and ass) but other than that, it was a good dining experience. Trevor, Nils and I pushed it a little too far by following the vegan drumsticks with carrot cake but hey, it was Nils' bday-eve and let's be honest, I personally have a little treat problem.

Nils and Trevor were in Hollywood for two reasons. Firstly, I needed a ride to the party that was going to take place in the OC on the following day. Secondly, Nils figured since it was his 21st bday and he could legally do it, that he should ring in his new legality velvet rope style. Why not?

Despite stuffing ourselves into higher dress sizes at dinner, we still managed to slip our bloated bellies through the cracks the lead to some of hollywoods finest big deal clubs- the kind of clubs surrounded by paparazzi, huge security guards yelling "Step away from the rope!", and men with clip boards who take great joy in saying "Nope, not on the list....." the kind of clubs where a trio of long black haired, black clad boys with tattoo's don't really fit in. Luckily, upon entering the first establishment and scurrying to the small vip area, we ran into Jon - a friend of mine who allowed us to melt into the safety of his party. In the club Nils found himself sharing the spotlight with a numetal rockstar who had obviously decided to spend his bday in the same way. Trevor found himself sitting next to Ludacris. I found myself a bit out of place, but glad to be witness to the strange juxtapositions. It was a good time.

Jon made us all feel at home, introduced us to his friends and escorted us to another club and back. The paparazzi followed us everywhere. It seemed that some of Jon's party were big game for those poachers with the invasive, blinding camera beams. They swarmed as if 100 dollar bills were floating in clouds for the taking around their fleeing prey. It's totally gross. You should see it sometime. It will bum you out.

As two am hit, and the drunken exodus from the bars began, we were invited to an after party at the home of one of our new friends. The Birthday would go on.

Our trio made our way through the streets to our car, jumped in and followed Jon - which by the way, was no easy task. The boy took Hollywood like it was the Autobahn. Trevor kept up and after ascending through gates that lead to other gates, we arrived at the zocalo that encircled the fountain gurgling in front of our destination. Our hostess welcomed us to one of the most breath taking homes I've ever seen in my life. I, of course, walked in and immediately disrobed. What else could I do?

This entry is not too uncommon for me (which you can learn if you ever meet the guitarist of Heckle, his sister, or his dog Sasha.) but unlike similar entries of my past, this moment was directly inspired by a seemingly inviting hot tub. Shockingly and sadly, after finding a towel and prancing out the french doors, through a gate, and around the pool, I found that the tub wasn't heated.

I navigated my way back indoors to find the lady of the house quite unsettled. Luckily, her state had nothing to do with me or my nakedness. Apparently a stranger who was invited to her home because of a friend's love of the man's band, decided it was a good idea to masturbate next to our gracious hostess on the car ride home in a creative attempt at seducing her. Suprisingly, his flare for romance failed him. It was Jon's car and he attests that it was a literally messy situation.

"Don't let him rape me." she quietly begged. That was a pretty serious request, and based on the recent history I'd been told, perhaps not uncalled for.

I assured her "Look, we may be small, but there's three of us, we're sober and I assure you that's not gonna happen." It really wasn't. The threat was very, very wasted and had already passed out. He was eventually ejected by the house's bouncers and put into a cab. I doubt he'd even know this was about him if he read it.

Not believing that the hot tub could still be cold, I headed back to the pool area to check again. After a chilling re- confirmation, I returned to the house to find that Nils and Trevor were gone. I found myself lost in some of the wings during my search for them but some very young boys, in some very silly suit coats and t-shirts, pointed me in the vague direction of the "vampire guys." The quote and surroundings screamed of a Scooby Doo episode. I found my boys in the upstairs room of our hostess...sans any talking bloodhounds.

I gave Nils a little bday dance on the stripper pole installed near the foot of the bed and then the three of us joined Jon and our lady friend on the miranda. They smoked, and we drank voss as we all admired the glitter of the entire Los Angeles valley. It was indeed, serene.

Around four, after the bouncers had kicked everyone else out of the room, we thanked our new friends and Jon for the evening and descended back to our beginnings.

The sun was almost up when we arrived in OC. Luckily Trevor's room is very pleasantly light proof so if it did show before we slept, we didn't know.

A lot happened during the next few days. The Birthday party included Jade, Nick 13, Rdub, waitresses, flowing sparkling water, crucifix confetti... and later...
The desert was cold, yet so welcoming, even at the hour of 3am. Nick and I never wanted to leave but we had business elsewhere. After a day, we left Big Jeff, Nils and Trevor behind. I could go on about all of this for pages but I'm already asking way too much of you all to have made it this far. If you have I, commend you.

I wish someone's cat were here. I'm definitely not about to eat Soy Decadence at this hour. Don't let me.

The wall gets taller, while you get smaller. Push against the big neon glitter....

DXH

Currently listening :
Love
By Cult
Release date: By 07 March, 2000

3:24 AM